‘Pez is wondering if we've decided on costumes for his party. It's a month away, I forgot how much he likes halloween.' Henry calls from the sofa, phone in hand. Alex is in the kitchen, his hands working mince for homemade burgers. He's been staring at his fingers. Have they always been so hairy? He compares himself to Henry, he knows he shouldn't but Henry's hands were practically moulded by the piano. Long, elegant digits. Sort of feminine.
‘Darling, what has that bowl done to you?’
Alex looks up, like a rabbit in headlights. He didn't realise he'd been scowling.
‘Sorry baby, I was working out something from class in my head. The bowl is innocent.’
‘Til proven guilty, right?’ Henry retorts back, a boyish grin on his face. Alex smiles back, rolls his eyes.
‘So, costumes? Percy is driving me mad.’
Alex washes his hands, grabs his phone and slides in next to Henry. Henry is wearing a beige cashmere sweater, Alex isn't a fan of the colour usually but Henry could probably make a garbage bag look good to him. The fabric feels soft against his naked arms. He can see goosebumps raise, his hair shooting up at the touch. His thick, dark, ma-
‘Hello, are you there?’
There's a hand waving in front of Alex. He blinks a few times, shakes his head and plants a kiss on Henry's cheek.
‘Sorry, I'm with it I swear. Halloween costumes… I've got a Pinterest board with ideas.’
Henry lets out an ungraceful snort.
‘Of course you do love. You're as bad as Percy.’
‘Excuse me, you're a literal prince who has to wear a costume at family events.’
‘Well, I-’ Henry has a finger up but quickly crumbles under Alex's smug grin. He flicks his hand at Alex to get him to carry on.
‘So I want to do a couple’s costume, we’ve already done Han and Leia but they could be our back up. We could try out some of their different looks…’
‘You just want to see me in that ridiculous gold bikini, don’t you?’ Henry barks a laugh, Alex chuckles but his cheeks warm.
‘I mean yes but we could switch it up. You know, I could be the woman?’
Henry nods with a little smile but Alex piles it on regardless.
‘I mean, that’s if we go with a straight couple. Or we could find a queer couple’s costume idea too. I don’t know if I saved any bu-’
A hand grips Alex’s face, pulling him up towards Henry.
‘You’re babbling love. Let’s look at the pinterest board, shall we?’
Alex bites at his lip as he nods, praying that Henry doesn’t feel how prickly his skin is.
*****
Alex smoothes out the dress as he stands in front of the mirror. Before he can think about what it’s doing to his silhouette, Henry comes out from the bathroom in his costume. Alex gulps. He’s not going to make it out alive tonight.
Henry makes a Mr Darcy that Alex wants to devour. The pants are practically sculpted around his thighs. He’s doing the buttons on his jacket, over a shirt that Alex knows he’ll be asking Henry to wear again with nothing else on. His hair is much looser, a little longer and wavy without palace stylists getting their paws on it.
‘Holy sh*t H, you look too damn hot right now.’
Henry blushes and Alex wants to lick him like strawberries and cream.
‘You look wonderful darling.’ Henry stands behind Alex, sitting his chin on Alex’s shoulder and curling his hands around Alex’s waist. Alex places his hands on top of Henry’s. His lips curl up, revealing the adorable dimples that Henry loves so much.
‘I’m guessing we’re post-book Lizzie and Darcy then, you know when you’ve quit being such an asshole?’ Alex asks, giddy when Henry rolls his eyes at him via the mirror. Henry kisses just below Alex’s ear, pressing his lips further down his neck. Alex’s eyes flutter when he feels Henry suck what is bound to be a rather visible mark into his skin.
‘Are we decent?’ The familiar tones of Percy call from the doorway. Alex and Henry groan in unison as they tell him to come in. He’s decked out in an outfit identical to Mercutio’s drag costume in Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo and Juliet. Knowing Percy, it likely is the same costume.
‘Doth my eyes deceive me, is that you Alexander?’
Alex did his best curtsy, attempting some Keira Knightley energy. He could see Henry pulling at his collar, his pale skin turning pink. Something to unpack later.
‘I was promised a party, Mr Darcy never takes me anywhere.’
Henry slaps Alex’s arm as Alex giggles. Percy slings his arms around the couple and escorts them through their own house, he’s already in high spirits clearly. They pass a few mirrors and Alex can’t help but glance.
The wig has already been styled, an updo with a couple of pearls dotted in it. He watched a tutorial on how to do that barely there make up and hasn’t done a terrible job. He isn’t usually clean shaven, he distinctly remembers his dad telling him that ‘the ladies love a little stubble’. And from experience, Alex now knows, the men too. Well, one man. Before he gets lost in his thoughts, he’s being guided into a car with Young Hearts Run Free blasting from the speakers.
*****
Alex Claremont-Diaz @theagcd
Happy Halloween! Mr Darcy & I are all ready for @likethesweets big bash, nice to leave Pemberley once and while 🎃🧑🏼❤️🧑🏽💃🏽
June Claremont-Diaz @JuneCD
@theagcd you’ve lost all annoying bro privileges, I’m never letting you forget this
Alex Claremont-Diaz @theagcd
@JuneCD gotta keep bae happy, no apologies
Nora Holleran @NoraHolleran
@theagcd 2014 just called and even its embarrassed alex
Prince Henry @PrinceHenryUK
@theagcd @JuneCD I’m revoking fiance privileges if you ever call me ‘bae’ again. Also it was his idea, June.
Percy Okonjo @likethesweets
@PrinceHenryUK @theagcd @JuneCD leave the boy alone, it’s halloween darlings! You all looked fabulous 🤩🥳
*****
Alex can’t stop looking at the pictures from the party. There’s official press shots from the red carpet, selfies he took which got blurrier as the night went on and pictures from various guests he met on the night. There is a dopey smile on his face, his hand cradles his head as he flicks through them all.
‘What’s got you so smiley?’
Alex drops his phone in the duvet, flustered by Henry’s sudden appearance. He didn’t hear him even come into the room, nevermind to the bed.
‘Jesus tit*, you scared the crap out of me.’
‘I’m sorry, love.’
Henry slides under the duvet, rubs down Alex’s arm and places his hand in Alex’s. Alex feels his insides go all gooey as Henry brings his hand to his lips, eyes never leaving Alex’s, and places a kiss on his knuckles.
‘Now will you tell me what’s got you smiling?’
Alex groans into Henry’s shoulder before grabbing his phone from amongst the sheets.
‘I was looking at the pictures from Halloween.’
He flashes his screen in Henry’s direction. Henry nods, resting his head on Alex’s shoulder. Alex keeps flicking through them, Henry comments on his favourite costumes from the night (‘Nora looked adorable as Kiki with the red bow and everything!’) and Alex feels his stomach twinge when they get to the photos that focus on them and then him alone, a few selfies he’d honestly forgotten about.
‘I think that’s eno-’
Henry tugs the phone out of Alex’s hand, he hardly fights him.
‘No, I want to look at my pretty boyfriend!’
Alex whines and twists his head so he can nuzzle into Henry’s head. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t want to see Henry’s reaction, he just knows it’s making him feel vulnerable. He hasn’t felt uncomfortable in any way towards Henry for years now… Something’s not right, but he can’t-
‘Love, did I say something wrong?’
Alex blinks as he sits up, Henry has straightened up and is wiping Alex’s cheek with his soft thumb. sh*t, was he crying? His mind is scrambling for a tangible answer, at least one he can give Henry.
‘No, of course not. Sorry baby, I think I’m just bone tired after the weekend.’
He kisses Henry’s hand and lets out a yawn. Henry’s lips are turning upwards but it feels forced. He looks down at the phone, back to Alex and passes it back.
‘You look beautiful by the way. I had the diamond of the season by my side.’
Alex lets out a groan, shuffles on to his side with his back to Henry.
‘I’m sending hate mail to June for getting you into Bridgerton and therefore making me get into it.’
Henry curls up around him, planting his lips on the nape of his neck and licks the slightly sweaty skin. He kisses under Alex’s ear with a featherlike touch. Alex squirms under him in the best possible way as Henry whispers.
‘You are the bane of my existence and the object of all of my desires. Night and day I dream of you.’
Henry leans over Alex to switch off the light and rolls over to his side of the bed. Alex’s lungs feel like they’re on fire and his boxers feel tighter. He rolls over to face Henry, even in the dark he can make out the smirk on his face.
‘And I thought I was supposed to be the demon in this relationship…’
‘Do shut up and kiss me please.’
Alex pounces on Henry, simply doing as he’s told.
Henry’s next visit to the UK feels less stressful with Alex by his side. Alex will never be a fan of royal events, even if one was what brought Henry crashing into his life tasting of vanilla and pent up sexual tension. But he’s found there’s little things about them he can enjoy. He finds himself amused by the ridiculous fascinators and hats the ladies wear to outdoor garden parties. He and Henry enjoy making up conversations between nobles that are at the other end of the ballroom. In the bigger, more global events, he finds himself drawn to the different cultures’ fashion. The variety of shapes and colours that he finds himself craving more and more.
The best part is getting to see Bea though. She reminds him so much of June, he looks to her like a sister of his own all these years later. Royal duties and her charity work keep her in the UK much to the disappointment of Henry and now, Alex.
Alex, Bea and Henry are hiding away in the music room at Kensington. They skipped out of tonight’s festivities probably an hour too early, Alex and Henry’s jetlag was making fake smiles even harder than normal. Alex sits on the sofa with Henry’s head laid back on his lap, his hair strums through the blonde locks like a reflex. David Bowie is playing quietly from the record player, the familiar tones filling the space enough. Bea is on the rug, she looks pleasantly soft in her silk pyjama bottoms and an Arctic Monkeys t-shirt at least two sizes too big for her. Her hair is stacked on top of her head in a velvet scrunchie bun, Alex hasn’t seen a scrunchie like that since June was a kid. She had quite the collection.
Henry starts to limber up after one too many yawns. He rolls his shoulders a few times, the muscles clenching in his back distract Alex for a moment more than he’d like to admit. He turns to Alex, his hair sticking up at the back with hazy eyes.
‘Bed?’
‘You go ahead, I’m still keyed up from the party.’
Henry nods and kisses Alex’s rough jaw, Alex is thankful Henry’s too sleepy to tell he tensed up. Henry bids a good night to Bea who blows a kiss at him as he closes the door. She gets up and goes to a set of drawers on the other side of the room. They have ochre flowers painted on the drawers and amber handles and Alex suspects they’re a product of the seventies hence why they’ve been allowed in here.
Bea sits cross legged next to him with a cosmetics bag that is filled with nail polishes.
‘Do you mind the smell? I know it used to give Henry headaches.’
Alex shakes his head, a tiny bit of his heart breaking when he remembers Henry never told Bea the real reason.
[‘Gran caught me with glitter on my nails once. And once was enough to terrify me of the consequences. I’ve never told Bea, I made up excuses after that.]
Bea holds up two shades, one is a yellow gold and the other a metallic burgundy.
‘Which one?’
Alex looks at Bea for a moment and points to the gold polish. She smiles and starts to loosen the cap but then pauses.
‘Fancy a manicure? This shade would actually look lovely on you.’
She holds up the burgundy shade, Alex sees a sister who misses her childhood. He’s never had his nails done, which even surprises him. June and Nora were always painting each others’ nails when they hung out. But they had never offered. Not once.
‘Sure, go for it.’
Bea’s smile grows into a full on grin. She takes a cushion from behind her and lays it on her legs. She brings Alex’s hand to the cushion, he twists round to make the angle more comfortable. He can’t help but watch every stroke. She was right about the colour. It reminds him of a shirt that makes Henry go particularly red any time he wears it.
‘Other hand please.’ He swaps his hands and stares at the painted nails. There’s a slight shimmer as he waves his hand in the dim light. The dark hair around his wrists, the tan skin, the burgundy colour. It’s clicking together for him.
‘You’ve never had your nails painted, have you?’
Alex blinks back at Bea, his mouth feels like a desert suddenly.
‘No, never. It’s… Um… different?’
‘You’re allowed to like it. I know you’re quite a macho man Alex, but everyone deserves to feel pretty too.’
Alex nods, his lips curling into a sweet smile. While Bea paints her own nails, he looks at his own and can’t help but understand what she’s saying. He wants to feel pretty.
*****
The next morning Henry has to go solo to a ribbon cutting. It’s a ribbon cutting for a cancer unit, while Henry finds this difficult, but it’s one of the few appearances he’s willing to accept without fuss. Alex is still in bed, gathering the sheets around him so he can still smell Henry. He’s watching Henry put himself together, he can practically tick off each part in his head by this point. Tie, cologne, watch… The last thing is his jacket, but before he can put it on there’s a knock at the door. Alex’s brow furrows, it feels too early for any disturbances. When he blinks his eyes open wider, Henry is bringing a tray with tea, coffee and pain au chocolats. Alex inhales his second favourite scent (the first being Henry, of course) and grins.
‘Apologies for the early alarm darling, I wanted us to have time for this.’
‘Never apologise for coffee. Thank you, baby.’ Alex crawls over and kisses Henry, not caring about morning breath. They serve themselves tea and coffee and slowly start to feel like regular human beings. Alex goes to grab a pastry when Henry grabs his hand.
‘So this is what you were up to last night?’
Alex forgets to breathe, he’d forgotten about the nails. Henry is tracing his thumbs along Alex’s fingers. Alex spreads out his hands, as if making them wider will make them appear less… less feminine. He’s literally manspreading his hand, Alex can feel every woman in his life rolling their eyes.
‘Bea did it for me. I’ve… I’ve never had my nails painted.’
‘This colour looks gorgeous on you. Like it was made for you.’
Henry seems too enamoured by the colour to notice the tension growing through Alex. He gives Henry a stilted smile when he looks up to him.
‘Sometimes the kids at the shelter paint mine. I usually have to take it off for some bullsh*t royal reason or another. Reminds me of when me and Bea were kids. Her skills have certainly improved since then!’ Henry barks a laugh that eases Alex’s limbs.
‘You should get her to paint your nails before you leave, I think she misses it too.’ Alex searches Henry’s eyes, he hopes he hasn’t overstepped, hasn’t run his big mouth as usual. But all Henry does is nod, before gulping the last of his tea. They exchange a few last caffeine flavoured kisses before Henry is putting his jacket on and heading out the door. Alex lets out a groan as he flops back onto the bed. The sun is filtering through the clouds and beaming into the bedroom, Alex watches the dust particles floating in the air. His gaze drifts to his hands laid out on the duvet. The light is making his nails shimmer. He clings onto the feeling, femininity right at his fingertips.
‘f*ck, f*ck, f*ck… Nora!’
Alex looks down at his pants, dripping in tomato passata. Alex - 0, Stubborn packaging - 1. Nora slides through to the kitchen and breaks into laughter when she sees the state of Alex. He huffs but there’s a smile trying to break through. Nora gets some composure back, he washes his hands and turns down the burner so he can’t ruin their dinner further. He shucks his pants off, Nora is hardly going to be scandalised by him in boxers. He starts to walk to the guest bedroom but then remembers he left his other sweatpants in London. Something to do with a certain prince being rather clingy. He’s got jeans and dress trousers but the thought of putting them on right now makes him itch. He pivots back to Nora who is grabbing a couple of beers out of the fridge.
‘Do you have something I could wear?’
She shrugs, opens the beers and takes a long swig.
‘I mean I don’t know what the fit will be like but check the bottom drawer in the bedroom.’
In the bedroom, he throws the sauce splattered sweats into the washing hamper and goes to the drawers. Alex makes a note to pack extras in future, or at least leave a pair for when he visits Nora.
The drawer is filled with comfortable bottoms like Nora promised. His hand hovers over the garments. He recognises a pair of pink yoga pants he’s seen June in before. He goes to the grey bottoms, some sports logo no doubt sewn into the pocket. But his fingers fail to grasp them, like a faulty claw machine. He looks back out the door. Nora is strutting around the living room with her beer in her hand, Dusty Springfield blasting from the television.
Nora is his best friend. She won’t care. She won’t.
Alex lets the oxygen return to his lungs as he pulls out the lilac wide leg pants. They’re a flowy, lightweight material. He pulls them over his boxers and stands in front of the mirror. He turns left to right, back and forth. The lilac changes colour every so slightly in the light, the panels draping and redraping with each movement. His hands curl over his hips. Does he wish they were wider, more obvious? That’s new. He knows that a few years ago he would have placed that thought in a heavy box and let it drown.
For the moment, he just lets it float.
For now, he just lets himself feel something new. And he’s enjoying it.
‘Your ass was made for those Alejandro, damn.’
Alex jumps like a skittish cat when he sees Nora in the doorway. She is ogling him without an inch of shame.
‘Don’t sneak up on me like that,’ he scrunches his hair and stretches his arms upwards so his t-shirt rides up. His heartbeat is thumping in his throat. Nora is studying him, she has the same look on her face as when he told her about the kiss with Henry. Like she’s figured something out before he has.
‘Something’s different… Isn’t it?’
He looks back at the mirror, his arms behind his head. These pants would look cute with a crop top. Or maybe one of those lacy summer vests he’s seen Nora wear.
‘Maybe or maybe it’s been this way all along.’
Nora smirks, takes another swig of her beer and heads back to the lounge. Alex follows her, crooning to Dusty as he heads back to the kitchen to continue dinner, with a little swing in his step.
‘Is your usual barber busy, love?’
Henry asks as he scrolls on his phone, waiting for the kettle to boil. Alex is sprinkling cinnamon into his coffee, he looks at Henry with in trepidation.
‘Wow, I knew you loved cinnamon but even that seems excessive…’
Alex curses at the shaker still tilted in his hand.
‘Your dulcet tones distracted me, baby!’
Alex fakes a strop while he cleans up the kitchen worktop. They carry on around the kitchen for five minutes. Henry makes his tea, adding a teaspoon of honey which Alex licks the remnants of before putting the spoon in the dishwasher. Alex fixes his coffee before joining Henry at the dining table with some cookies Cash dropped off yesterday.
Henry seems content, with a mouthful of a cookie so Alex takes the plunge. He can do this, it means nothing .
‘I’m actually going to Percy's hairdresser for a change.’
‘Oh, how come?’
‘Don't get me wrong, Martin is still elite. He's never gone wrong with these curls. But Percy mentioned how it's a really queer friendly space and it sounded… nice, I guess?’
Henry smiles at him, there's a crumb on his lip that Alex wants to get for him. He takes a sip of his coffee instead.
‘Percy is even more precious about his hair than you so-’
Alex blows a raspberry at Henry.
‘That’s enough out of you white boy.’
Henry puts his hands up in defeat with a soft chuckle and if Alex ends up taking care of the cookie crumbs on Henry's mouth, well… he just doesn't like food waste, okay?
*****
Spring is finally approaching NYC and the sweet heat is making Alex’s Texan heart smile. He struts into the hairdresser and is greeted by a peppy black girl at the reception. She has a little sign at the desk announcing her as Dolores (she/her). Her smile is wide and gummy, her brunette curls are defined and Alex feels some tension seep from his body.
‘Alex, right? Percy told us you’d be by today.’
‘He spoke very highly of you folks.’
Dolores giggles and Alex discovers a pitch he didn’t think he could register. After taking a few details, Alex is whisked through to the main area and into a stylist’s chair. The salon is themed in black and hot pink. There’s a brick wall at the back which has neon pink, purple and blue street art on it. On the edges of the mirrors there are lots of stickers from various queer organisations, pride flags and memes. Alex sees a cute rainbow dog design that he takes a picture of and sends to Henry.
‘That one’s my favourite too.’
Alex flinches before accidentally swivelling around in the chair like some kind of Bond villain.
‘Sorry! Didn’t mean to sneak up on you, Alex. I’m Luca, I’ll be looking after you today.’
Alex drops his shoulders, puts on his practised smile and holds out his hand. Luca looks at it like they’re trying to figure it out before they eventually shake it. Alex rubs the back of his head when he takes his hand back.
‘Sorry, politician’s son, I do it out of habit…’
‘No worries!’ Luca replies, their chubby cheeks bunching up as they smile. They’re tall, very slender and they’re wearing all black. The outline of nipple piercings can be seen through their t-shirt, Alex tries to focus on the sweeping skirt they wear. It sits differently on their hips than it would if June or Nora wore it. But Alex likes it. Luca’s bleach blonde hair stands out against their skin tone, not dissimilar to Alex’s own. It’s cut in a short mullet style, with more volume on top.
He’s turned in the chair as Luca drapes a cape over him.
‘Just a heads up, my pronouns are he/they. Can I get yours?’
Alex stares in the mirror and his tongue dries up. What is going on? He knows this. He knows his damn pronouns. It’s clearly some anxiety about being in a new place.
‘Um, he/him.’ He finally stutters out, Luca gives him that cheeky smile again and Alex feels himself settle into the chair. Luca discusses what Alex wants to do with his hair. Alex starts rattling off what Martin would usually do for him, he’s not had a different style in years. Luca is taking in every rambling detail from Alex’s mouth and forming it into coherent bullet points. Alex can’t help but think of Henry and how he manages to untangle his info dumps.
They wash his hair with shampoo that smells heavenly, like fresh cherries and sweet tea. Percy had told Alex it was worth going for that alone because they make the product in house. Apparently Dolores isn’t just a pretty face at the front desk, she’s also a chemistry whizz.
When it comes to the cut, Alex is gripping the chair’s arms. He’s gazing into the mirror and studying his features. He remembers when he started doing photoshoots after his mom got elected. The White House Trio got a few spreads and there were likely a few make-up artists and stylists that still hold a grudge, the trio weren’t exactly the sit still type. Alex was always ready first. They would do a few touch ups to his face. They would accentuate his curls which he always liked. They would dress him in classic American boy outfits, white t-shirts and jeans. He knew objectively he looked good, in a less is more way. But then he’d watch June and Nora, palettes spread out in front of them and stacks of wardrobe options. Alex had never been less is more in any other aspect in his life and now he was starting to unravel that thread more, he was starting to understand why he always finished those shoots feeling frustrated.
‘Alex, can you take a deep breath for me?’
Luca has backed away a step, their rounded jaw is set low. Alex puts his head down and clutches his face with the cape still covering his hands. He inhales deeply, lets his lungs expand and deflate at a more regular pace. When he looks up again, Luca is crouching by his side.
‘You back?’
This close up, Alex can see Luca’s eyes are a hazel colour. He nods to Luca, whose hands are hovering in front of him.
‘Can I touch you?’
Alex nods again, Luca peels the capes away from Alex’s arms and starts to rub circles into his wrists slowly. Alex lets himself drift with the pattern, but not so much he’s swept away.
‘Where did you go there? If you don’t mind me asking.’
‘I think I’m starting to realise some things about myself. And it’s getting pretty scary. Sorry, I didn-’
‘If you apologise for having a panic attack in my salon I will scream, Alex.’
That stops Alex short, Luca has a straight face for a few seconds before a massive grin spreads across their face. Alex smiles sheepishly back.
‘I think we should discuss your style again, sound good?’
Alex can’t agree more.
*****
‘Alex, is that you?’ Henry calls from the hallway,
‘No, it’s David. You know how much I love Billy Joel.’ Alex calls back as David jumps down from the sofa to meet Henry. He rolls his eyes, traitor. Henry walks into the kitchen to find Alex chopping onions and singing under his breath. Alex turns and gives him a quick peck on the cheek. Henry takes the bottle of white wine they opened last night out of the fridge and pours two glasses. He sits at the island and sighs after his first taste. Alex puts the onions into a pot and takes his own glass.
‘How was your day, baby?’
‘Mostly boring. Paperwork truly is the devil’s work.’
‘I’m in law school, you’re preaching to the choir.’
Henry chuckles and puts down his glass. He makes his way around to Alex and threads his arms around his waist. Alex strokes up and down Henry’s arm and tilts his head back to reach Henry’s lips. Their kiss isn’t practical by any means, but it’s gentle and tender. Henry stays close to Alex’s face, kissing down his jaw.
‘Hi.’ ‘Hi.’
Henry’s natural scent envelops Alex like a blanket and he can feel himself recharge. His home. It will never be a geographic location. It will always be Henry.
Henry’s nose nuzzles at Alex’s jaw, his lips get carried away on his neck.
‘Did I tell you? I love the new hair. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any more beautiful.’
Alex nods as he feels his cheeks warm, Henry’s hands start to wander a little. Alex gasps when Henry starts sucking at his collar bones.
‘Makes you look… ethereal. Otherworldly. So… f*cking… hot.’
Henry’s words intermingle with panting from both of them. Learning from past mistakes, Alex turns to the hob and quickly turns the burner off. Henry is still attached to his back like some kind of horny octopus. Alex finally turns to face him and pulls his face in for a filthy kiss. He tastes his whole day and it still isn’t enough for Alex, he wants to taste every single one of this man’s days.
‘Upstairs now.’
Alex giggles and follows Henry’s pull. He might need to send Luca a basket of muffins later.
*****
They’re sweaty, a bit sticky but after sex cuddles are non-negotiable. Henry learned that the hard way. [‘You know they’re literally teaching me how to argue for a living…’] Alex’s head rests on Henry’s chest as he listens to his heartbeat. A metronome to live by. Henry’s fingers stroke over Alex’s shoulder blades, making him shiver occasionally. He didn’t mind, he loves how Henry knows his body enough to get a response with the smallest touch. It was a vulnerability he had never had with anyone else.
‘I didn’t know you were going for a new style…’
Alex has been waiting for this conversation, his stomach flip flopped since he left the salon. The new style wasn’t drastic, but he’d kept the length he’d grown out and Luca had shaped it with more layers. They showed him how to style it a few different ways, he used terms like androgynous and it was like they’d cracked Alex’s mind like a glowstick.
He did send Henry a picture, he responded with a lot of emojis which meant he was too turned on for words. And considering the last twenty minutes, well, the reaction has been altogether positive. But, still…
‘I know you’re overthinking down there.’
Alex snorts and sits up on the pillows.
‘I kind of hate how well you know me.’
‘I pride myself on being an expert in all things Alexander Claremont-Diaz, what can I say?’
Alex slaps Henry’s chest lightly as they laugh, Henry’s gummy smile turns to a sweet peck on the lips. Alex nuzzles his nose into Henry’s cheek, gathering the words in his head.
‘I went in thinking I’ll get my usual cut but then I realised I haven’t really thought about the look I want. Since Mom got elected I’ve had more of a picked out image than I think I realised.’
Henry nods with a tight lipped smile. Alex knows Henry understands this better than anyone.
‘My stylist Luca was great, they reminded me of you a little. Like he understood how I think.’
‘Percy will be very happy to hear you enjoyed yourself. Do you think you’ll go back?’
‘God, yeah. You’ve smelt my hair, that shampoo is like crack.’
‘So eloquent, dear.’
‘Not my fault you f*cked my brains out.’
Henry’s eyebrows rise as he smirks and caresses Alex’s face.
‘That I did, that I did.’
Alex puts his fingers to Henry’s lips as he tries for another kiss.
‘Wales, I am not ready for round two.’
Henry lets out an overdramatic groan and lands back onto his pillow. Sixty percent of Alex thinks he might die of too much sexual gratification, he should be worried but what a way to go.
‘So apart from the hair appointment, how was your day?’
‘I spent most of it reading. Took David for a walk, I think he has a crush on our neighbour’s dog you know. Oh, and June called. She’s all set to visit next week.’
Henry grabs his phone from the night stand and starts typing.
‘Hey, it’s your turn.’
‘Sorry love, I was just putting a reminder in my phone to get flowers for the guest room.’
Alex is going to melt into a pile of loved up goo, how is this man real? He takes his hand and presses a kiss into his fingers. Henry blushes and Alex is struggling to keep it together.
‘Like I said, a lot of paperwork today. I understand why we must do it but would it really kill them to put a little colour into them? Add some of the child’s personality, not their statistics.’
‘That is sh*tty, baby. Did you at least have a nice lunch or something?’
Henry’s eyes widen and he curls in towards Alex.
‘I learned about a particular gender identity today actually. A new kid was introducing themselves at lunch and they explained they were bigender. You’d be proud, when I got back to my office I dived into a research hole!’
Alex claps a hand over his heart, sucking on his bottom lip.
‘So bigender means a person who experiences two genders identities, either at once or varying between them. And they could be male, female but also non-binary and so on. I had no clue multi-gender identities were a thing…’
Henry is still talking but Alex isn’t listening. He’s spinning through a million memories in his head. How he feels powerful wearing a perfectly fitted suit. How he felt wearing Nora’s pants. How he longed for more attention when it came to appearances. How his flirtatious manner was likened to a teenage girl by Raph on more than a couple of occasions. How he felt when Luca described the feminine and masculine styles he could do with his hair.
The feeling in his chest feels familiar, far less terrifying than last time. The last time he had this clarity was after that kiss on New Year’s Eve, when all the puzzle pieces finally collapsed into place.
Alex’s hands are wet from condensation, he holds two iced coffees as he waits for June to come out of the cafe bathroom. She’s been catching him up with her life as a critically acclaimed writer over breakfast, and Alex could not be prouder. She glides towards him, wearing a mint green blazer over a white button up dress and a pair of navy New Balance trainers.
‘I got our coffees to go, hope that’s okay?’
‘Yeah of course, let’s go shopping!’
Alex groans but his gaze is fond. He doesn’t mind shopping and June has a good eye but he’s got a reputation as a little brother to keep.
‘You never told me, what did you do for Henry’s birthday? He said you had a surprise for him or something.’ June asks nonchalantly, Alex’s face flushes. He’s got images of a cowboy hat and cupcake frosting and if he’s not careful, he’s going to put himself in a very sexy coma.
‘Um, we had a French themed night in, takeout from our favourite bistro, some ridiculously expensive wine and his favourite French movies which I enjoyed more than I expected.’ June doesn’t have to know that’s what came after a lot of birthday sex.
June seems the most settled she has in years, Alex can’t feel the usual static energy that seemed to follow her thoughts. She isn’t on high alert anymore and Alex is feeling some residual guilt. He can hear Henry in his head. [‘Yet another reason you should go to therapy, love.’]
Nope, not today. Alex tries to focus on the present. The weather is slowly warming, not quickly enough for him but he likes not having to wear as many layers. His coffee is a little sweeter, thanks to some additional caramel but he’s feeling indulgent. June is smiling as she talks about Nora and Alex is thankful for his best friend making his sister so happy. It’s always going to be weird, your ex going out with your sister but when is anything simple with Alex? He’s starting to appreciate that fact more and more.
June pulls him into a sportswear store and Alex feels at ease here. He actuall-
‘Henry said you needed new running shoes, want an early birthday present?’
‘When did he even tell you that? I only told him like two days ago.’
June shakes her head and rolls her eyes. Alex is gesturing with his hands out, a wordless expectation.
‘What? We talk. Sometimes I call him on a lunch break, we have more in common than just you.’
‘I’m sorry, lunch breaks?’
‘Yes Alex, we talk on the phone on our lunch breaks. We are “book nerds” as you so delightfully put it, so mainly we chat about books. But very, very, very occasionally, you also come up.’
Alex holds his chin pensively.
‘Huh, it’s like the world doesn’t revolve around me sometimes…’
June puts the palm of her hand on Alex’s face and lightly pushes him, he almost pulls down a rack of socks as she walks away. He misses this part of their relationship, the back and forth, the teasing. It’s much harder when over calls or texts.
Once he neatens up the socks, he finds June in the womens’ section. She’s busy finding her size in some yoga pants when Alex sees a sports top in a rather excellent colour scheme. He gets closer, seeing the pink, purple and blue gradient better. He feels the corner between his fingers, not too thick but should be absorbent. A woman passes and glares at Alex before moving on. He steps back and notices the top comes with a sports bra built in. That explains the look. He scratches his shoulder under his t-shirt and part of him imagines the thick strap. The support, the shape of his chest. What would it look like in a regular bra? Maybe something lacy, something black.
‘Oh my god, that was made for you!’
Alex turns to see June with an arm full of pants. He scrunches his nose.
‘It’s a women’s top.’
‘Are you being for real?’
‘Well, it’s got a sports bra in it, Bug!’ He whisper-shouts, his hands grab onto the edge of his t-shirt.
‘So what?’ She grabs the top off the rack and turns it inside out.
‘You can cut this out pretty easily, if it’s so uncomfortable.’
Alex bites his lip, he already knows he won’t want to do that. But he’s not ready to tell anyone that, nevermind his sister. He looks back and forth between the rack and June.
‘Fine… but help me figure out my size please.’
June nods with a smile and flicks through the garments until pulling one out, holding it up against Alex. He grasps the edges against him.
‘This should do, we can easily exchange it later if it doesn’t fit. Works nicely with the new hair too.’
Alex lets go, she pulls it away and adds it to her pile. He’s tugging his jacket sleeves around his hands as they make their way to the checkout. June pulls a hand out from her ridiculous pile and squeezes Alex’s shoulder.
‘You okay little bit?’
Alex rolls his shoulders and nods, tries to give her a smile. He wants to tell someone, feels like he’s going to crack open with emotions that make no sense, sweeping anyone away who dares to come near.
‘Yeah, I’m great.’ He lies, and the waves churn inside his mind.
Henry is in San Francisco for a shelter opening and Alex is longing to be by his side. According to Henry, he isn’t allowed to send his professor emails exclaiming that they should have checked the Prince of Wales’s whereabouts when making the class schedule. Alex groans as he stares at Henry over facetime, he’s doing his hair and Alex wishes he could glide his hand through it.
‘You’ll be at the next one, stop your moaning.’
‘I thought you liked it when I moan, or is that only when I’m moaning your name?’
Alex can see Henry’s blush, still adorably pink even when pixelated.
‘Behave, you demon. Shouldn’t you be doing your bedtime routine?’
Alex knows he would have found this infuriating a few years ago. Now he knows it’s how Henry shows he cares. He doesn’t push, just nudges Alex in the right direction. They both know Alex gets blinkers on. June used to look out for Alex but she could be the smothering kind, Alex never had the heart to tell her. He’s starting to think Nora might have mentioned it to her actually.
He makes his way to the kitchen and holds up the kettle to the camera.
‘Making my sleepy tea now, I still say it tastes like perfume though.’
‘Percy is going to be here in a minute, I better go. Sweet dreams, love you darling.’
‘Love you too, have fun Hen!’
Henry shakes his head fondly before the screen goes black. Alex puts his phone down and opens the cupboard with their quite frankly ridiculous collection of teas. He stares at all the patterned boxes for a moment. Henry is only away for one night and when he does get back, Alex won’t leave his side.
‘Sorry, sleepy tea. Not tonight.’
Alex makes a coffee, grabs a protein bar and a bottle of water before he settles on the sofa with his laptop. He can feel Henry’s pinched brows all the way from California, remarkably similar to the look David is giving him from the armchair actually.
‘Don’t tell your dad, it’s for a good cause I promise.’
David grumbles, even he’s done with Alex’s night owl tendencies.
‘Hey, look I’m being responsible!’ Alex holds up the water and protein bar, David curls up and Alex doesn’t take a moment to think about how he was trying to give a dog , puppy dog eyes. sh*t, is that some kind of appropriation? Okay, he takes one moment.
It’s been a couple of weeks since Henry told Alex about that bigender kid at the shelter and it’s not left Alex’s mind. It’s been like a gaudy neon light, blinking on and off at ungodly hours. June’s visit was a nice distraction, but in bed at night he could barely sleep a few hours. Even with Henry’s arms anchoring him to the mattress and the gorgeous little snores he made, Alex’s mind was tumbling with thoughts. He knew it was time for a research hole.
Within ten minutes, there are at least ten tabs open on his laptop. Within an hour, there are twenty-five tabs and his phone is open with a TikTok vlog. Within two hours, he’s brewing another coffee and reading down a Reddit thread around bigender and pangender identities. A little after one in the morning, he finds tears streaming down his face as he reads another Tumblr post. He feels seen.
One post discussed the duality of their gender, how while they hate how gender roles are implemented societally, they often have a longing for those that might be conflicting. Alex thinks about how he felt about getting a bonus at his summer internship and how he got to treat Henry to new books. He thinks about how Sundays make him so happy when he gets to batch cook, making lunches for Henry and cookies for his study group. How he practically collapsed at how good it felt when Henry joked he was becoming quite the housewife.
Another post discussed how they got frustrated with their siblings growing up. Never understanding why all the brothers did one thing and the sisters another, they wanted to go horse riding and play hockey. Alex remembers June getting to go try gymnastics and never understood why he couldn’t try too. His dad said his lacrosse body wouldn’t adapt to gymnastics, so what was the point? Alex wipes his eyes, he knows he would have rocked the sh*t out a leotard.
The post that really made him crack is from this person in Scotland. They explain they’ve always lived as a woman comfortably but they happen to have a hormone imbalance so they’ve always had a lot of masculine energy and they have leaned into it at times but not so full on because of the pressure to be a certain way when you’re feminine. They carried on because they didn’t realise there was a term for how they felt. And just like Alex, they found the term bigender and a community of multi-gender people and the pieces fell into place. They’re experimenting with using he/him now as well keeping she/her pronouns. She’s allowing herself to express what feels natural and is slowly telling the people in his life. Alex expects this person to be in their early twenties at latest and feels even more comforted when he sees ‘30’ in their bio.
After being hunched over a laptop for so long, Alex feels his bones ache and finally switches off for the night. He stretches out his limbs slowly as he makes his way to the bedroom. It’s two in the morning and while he feels a little emotionally drained, his mind feels wide awake. He brushes his teeth and gives the ensuite mirror a bit of a wipe down. His face feels puffy from crying but he can’t help but smile at himself while he puts on eye cream. It’s like he’s meeting himself for the first time. Maybe herself. A little giggle escapes.
As Alex gets into bed and switches off the light, David joins him by his feet as usual. It’s like both of them want to smell Henry while he’s away, Alex calls it their little secret. He knows there’s a million things to do, but for now he lets sleep take him with a little more room in his chest than it’s had in months, maybe years.
Auntie Pezza
Sorry I missed your call strumpet, I’m in NZ currently. What can I do you for?
i was hoping to talk in person
when are you stateside?
If you’re trying to find out what Henry’s planning for your birthday, my lips are sealed.
no i kinda need to talk to you about something
its an in person kind of conversation
not bad fyi but maybe scary
I’ll be back in a few days, poppet. Can you do coffee on Friday?
i can definitely do coffee
thanks percy 💙
Anything for Henry’s strumpet
now what is henry planning for my bday?
Oh Alexander, you’ll have to charm me more than that…
what about if i told you what i did for henry’s bday?
i know he wont have told you the whole truth
Now, we’re talking 👀
*****
‘...and that’s how I figured out, I might… f*ck, why is this so hard?’ Alex’s head is in his hands, elbows leaning on his knees. Percy puts his hand on Alex’s shoulder, rubbing his thumb over it in circles.
‘Take your time. Have a drink.’
Alex takes his coffee cup and inhales deeply. As he drinks he tries to focus on details outside of his head. Percy chose the coffee shop, it’s both a coffee shop and a gallery for up and coming artists and the high walls are covered with all sorts of styles. They’re in a cosy corner, the staircase for the upper level to the right of the them boxes their sofas in. The couches are burnt orange, a little ragged but soft. The coffee is smooth and balanced on every sip. Percy is wearing lavender sweats, his hair is a pastel green. His shoes are black penny loafers that shouldn’t work with the outfit but of course, they do.
‘I think I’m bigender.’
Alex says it and the world doesn’t end.
But the words have weight.
He knows it. Percy knows it.
‘Can I hug you darling?’
Alex nods and finds himself squeezed to an inch of his life. Percy smells like the shampoo from the salon and Alex feels instantly safe. He grips his arms around Percy, holds on for a minute. When they finally let go, there’s tears running down Alex’s face and Percy’s eyes are looking rather glossy. He passes Alex one of the napkins from the table.
‘How did that feel?’
‘Scary but also, freeing.’
Percy grins so brightly at him and Alex’s panic is kept to a minimum. Percy gets his phone out, taps away before he gets up.
‘This calls for celebratory muffins!’
*****
A couple of muffins later, Alex is working on a list of things he needs to do, wants to do. Percy has already promised him a shopping spree [‘Bigender birthday bonanza, baby!’] so his change in some of his wardrobe is covered. The curvy shapes, the fabrics, the colours… Alex is filled with undeniable euphoria. But then there’s the harder subject: coming out. Again.
‘You know you don’t have to? I’m honoured that you told me, of course. But that doesn’t need to be something you do. It can be something you want to do, yes, but not need.’
Alex hums in response, and grabs an errant chocolate chip off the plate. He might need to get another of these muffins to take home for Henry.
‘I mean I never really got to do it the first time. We were thrown out the closet. It would be an opportunity to do it on my own terms. I know I don’t have to do a whole social media announcement but I at least want the people I love to know.’
‘Well, you’re in luck that you’ve got the absolute sweetheart that is Henry. He’ll be with you every step of the way, poppet.’
Alex scrunches his brow, forms his hand into a fist and then stretches it again.
‘I feel like my very gay partner might be surprised when his partner casually mentions they feel like a woman too.’
Percy chuckles, Alex rolls his eyes. He knows he’s being ridiculous. Percy is right, Henry is the most accepting person he knows. But he’s also terrified. He can’t lose Henry, he wouldn’t survive it.
‘You and I both know you’re talking out of your arse, Alexander. He might be a little surprised but he’ll adjust quickly.’
Percy claps a hand on Alex’s knee and shakes his head. Alex smiles at him, he feels like he did in the salon chair, he feels like he did when he was reading those Tumblr posts. He feels seen.
It’s tonight. He’s going to tell Henry tonight.
He’s also been saying that for the past four nights.
Monday: Henry was home late from work and he’d had family video calls with his grandmother. Most definitely not the time.
Tuesday: Alex worked on a case study all night, he only went to bed when Henry dragged him from the office.
Wednesday: It was Alex’s birthday, it hardly felt appropriate when Henry planned an evening with a food truck tour ending at a salsa club. You don’t confess secrets when your partner hand feeds you tacos and shakes his hips in a way that is Sinful with a capital S.
Thursday: Alex had study group and Henry had book club, but Alex likes to point out that the book club ran later. The old ladies like to ply Henry with wine and Alex suspects they all have a crush on him, they don’t seem to have a clue who he actually is.
They’re eating mac’n’cheese on the couch, Alex made it with a little bit of mascarpone and Henry keeps moaning like he’s in a p*rno. Alex can’t help but giggle, but it helps with some of the nervous energy. There’s music playing in the background, some seventies mix Henry put on and they’ve drank a gin and tonic each. Henry had a really good day at work, he got to make a book list for the shelters so he was in heaven. Alex made a breakthrough with an assignment so there’s less stress academically speaking. It’s a good mood. It’s time.
With their empty bowls on the coffee table, Alex readjusts, sits cross legged on the sofa and takes Henry’s free hand. As he studies it, Henry puts his drink down and looks at Alex with a confused gaze.
‘I need to talk to you about something. It’s not anything bad. I think.’
‘Okay, I’m only mildly scared.’
Alex’s heart is about to burst out of his chest. But he looks at Henry and exhales. His hair is a bit messy, he’s wearing Alex’s Georgetown sweatshirt and cotton shorts that stretch just right over his thighs. Alex knows he’s trying to keep his face neutral but he can see the corner of his mouth twitching and Alex wants to smooth it out with a kiss.
‘You remember when you told me about that bigender kid from the shelter?’
Henry nods, his eyes wander over Alex’s face.
‘When you told me, I felt like when you kissed me for the first time. Like something clicked and this part of me made sense suddenly. I may have gone down a research hole when you were in San Francisco, supervised by David so I didn’t stay up too late!’
They both look at David and chuckle. Henry is leaning in and holds Alex’s hands.
‘Are you comfortable to share what you’ve learned, love?’
This man is going to kill Alex with how understanding he is.
‘All of the posts I read, it was like someone was writing about my life. I don’t think I realised quite how much I lost myself to Mom’s presidency, we had some sort of image to convey. And I think one queer revelation from me was quite enough for the administration. I mean Zahra would probably have had an aneurysm.’
‘Or poison your coffee.’ Henry replies, raising one brow. Alex puckers his lips.
‘How dare you even joke about that…’
Henry caresses Alex’s cheek with his thumb and gives him a chaste kiss.
‘Carry on, Alex, you’ve gone off topic.’
Alex lets out a sigh.
‘Right… There’s always been a part of me that’s wanted to be more feminine, just floating in the background. But that was kind of hard when you’re marketed as an all American boy. Don’t get me wrong, the way I feel in a tailored suit is incredible. But sometimes I want to wear something less rigid, I want to…want to feel pretty. I want to be able to experience both male and female genders. Or well, express them both. I know that I am both, and now I know the term for it.. Well, it just makes so much sense.’
Henry nods along, strokes Alex’s hands in soothing circles. Alex feels stiff, every muscle filled with tension.
‘This is the part where you remind me you’re incredibly gay and this weirds you out…’ Alex says quietly, looking down at their hands. Henry tilts Alex’s chin up and shuffles closer.
‘This is actually the part where I tell you I love you and I’m so glad you feel comfortable enough to tell me this. I can’t wait to learn more about my most favourite person in the world.’
Alex’s eyes are filling with tears, Henry’s beautifully chiselled face blurs. He isn’t sure why he’s crying, they’re happy tears. He thinks. His mind floats while Henry gathers him in his arms. That smell of fresh grass and tea and linen. Home, where he’s safe and loved.
He isn’t sure when they start kissing but all he knows is he needs Henry and Henry is right there with whispered chants of I love you, I love you, I love you.
*****
‘Morning darling, I figured you could do with more sleep.’
When Alex opens his eyes, Henry is sitting on the edge of the bed with two steaming mugs. He’s got bed head and his face is a little puffy and Alex couldn’t love him more.
Alex sits up as Henry passes a mug of coffee and tucks himself back into bed. A few sips later, David is trotting into their room and quickly makes himself comfortable on the end of the bed.
‘Thank you.’ Alex finally talks, his voice still a bit husky from sleep. Henry taps his mug with his own. He knows it’s not just for the coffee or letting him sleep.
‘Are you okay to talk about what you told me?’ Henry asks, Alex takes another sip of coffee and nods.
‘So pronouns?’
‘He/him is still fine but I’d maybe like to try she/her.’
‘How about language in general? I know you mentioned pretty last night…’
Alex hums in agreement.
‘I mean we’ve never been super gendered about how we compliment each other, baby.’
They grin at each other and their lips capture each other. It’s messy and filled with morning breath. Henry puts a hand on Alex’s chest, backing out as Alex pouts.
‘Stop trying to distract from the conversation!’
‘Fiiiiine…. We could maybe experiment a bit more. Like maybe if I try a more feminine outfit you could even describe me with masculine terms, does that make sense? We can just play it by ear I guess. I’m not even sure what I like.’
‘Sounds like a sensible idea, darling. And please tell me if something makes you uncomfortable.’ Henry’s fingers are playing with the collar of Alex’s t-shirt, it feels a little damp with sweat. Alex nods and studies Henry’s eyes, the look he’s giving Alex is certain and the beautiful blue soothes the turmoil in his mind. They sit in silence drinking their coffee and tea. David is slowly making his way up the bed when he thinks they’re not watching.
‘Wait a moment, does this mean I’m technically bisexual now?’ Henry blurts out. Alex shakes his head before leaning in to kiss him, he stops just short of his lips.
‘I think you’re just Alexsexual, baby…’
Henry sits up straight, raising his brow in mock disgust.
‘When you say it like that I’m suddenly aroace, how odd…’
‘Oh you’re going to regret that, your majesty!’
Alex takes their mugs aside and straddles Henry, David jumps off the bed. Alex’s hands run through Henry’s hair, down his jaw where he also leaves a few kisses, and down his chest as Henry’s hands gather under Alex’s shirt, just above his ass. Alex’s hands go under Henry’s t-shirt, his fingers stretching over the pale skin with a barely there touch. Henry leans in close to Alex’s ear and whispers.
‘Do your worst.’
Alex was ready to tickle the man. But the sound of Henry’s voice makes a flush travel up his neck. Henry smirks at him, a greedy satisfaction in his eyes. Alex smoothes a thumb over Henry’s bottom lip as Henry’s fingers slip under the waistband of Alex’s sweats. Goosebumps crawl all over their skin. The sound of Henry’s quickening breaths fill Alex’s ears. He pulls his own shirt off slowly and gathers her arms over her chest. Henry’s lustful gaze softens, he looks at Alex who nods. They’re in new territory here and it’s mildly terrifying. But incredibly exciting.
The morning light is flickering through the curtains and highlights Alex, her unruly curls laced with golden sunlight. Henry’s fingers trace over Alex’s shoulders, he quivers. Henry kisses Alex’s collar bones, licking the crevices of salty skin.
‘You’re f*cking heavenly, Alex.’
He pulls one of Alex’s arms away and swirls his tongue over her nipple, Alex starts panting. She starts to thrust his hips and that’s when Henry takes a bite.
‘f*ck…’ Alex’s voice is higher than even he expects.
Henry licks over the bite and kisses up the column of Alex’s throat.
‘Such a filthy mouth for a lady.’
Alex gathers her arms around Henry’s neck. Henry’s hips start to buck up and he moans into Alex’s mouth. Alex lets his tongue explore, making a stripe up Henry’s rough jaw before capturing his lips. Alex feels like she’s on fire, vulnerable and unstoppable all at the same time.
Coming out on your own terms is decidedly better than being outed by a leak and written about in the International press, Alex thinks. After telling Henry, it becomes so much easier than he could have imagined. The next people he tells are June and Nora.
Henry is sitting next to her on the sofa, rubbing circles on her wrists while waiting on the girls to answer. Alex is wearing a new set of pants, they’re peach and wide leg and remind him of the ones he tried on in Nora’s apartment. Percy took him on a shopping trip a few days ago, the wardrobe is now filled with all sorts of fabrics and colours and shapes. When Alex put these pants on, they made Henry blush for ten minutes straight so now she likes them even more.
‘Hi, hello, sorry! NORA!’
Alex laughs at his sister as she finds a place to put the phone down. Nora slides in next to her after a minute or so, damp and in a towel.
‘I can call another time if you’re getting ready to go somewhere…’
‘I told Nora you were calling in ten minutes so of course she decided that would be enough to show-’
‘I felt gross, sue me!’
‘We aren’t even leaving the house today!’
Alex looks at Henry with widened eyes as they squabble, Henry laughs and gives him a kiss on his hand.
‘Are y’all quite done?’
The girls finally look back at the camera as if they’re only now remembering there’s someone there.
‘Sorry, Alex. Please, fire away.’
‘Your text sounded serious Alejandro.’
Alex gulps. Henry squeezes his hand. She’s safe, this is fine.
‘So I’ve been figuring out some things around my gender…’
*****
BUG
Love you lil bit ❤️
Love you bug 💙
irl chao demon
Just realised
You’re bi²
That’s another level of bicon
yaaassss
eat it bitches
*****
A week after he’s told Henry, Alex has told all of his loved ones. It’s all done over FaceTimes and calls which she thought would feel impersonal but it helped if anything. Henry was by his side, every single time.
Henry brought Alex tissues while he cried down the phone to his mom. She changed her schedule while on the line so they spoke for over an hour. Half the time was just about how she really wanted to be a mother-in-law soon. [‘I’m proud of you, sugar, truly. But your mom wants to get her freak on at a wedding so hurry it up please.’ ‘Never say that again please.’]
Henry was there with hugs when she got off the phone with her dad. Alex’s dad was incredibly liberal but so many of the moments where Alex’s masculinity was emphasised in his life came from his dad. This call wasn’t quite as lengthy as his mom’s but he felt wiped out afterwards. Henry passed the office every so often, trying to give Alex space but eventually found him bundled up on the armchair by the window.
‘Are you okay?’
Alex nodded, with a tired smile. He was spinning his phone in his hand.
‘He was fine with it, I don’t think he really understood it but… he loves me.’
When Alex looked up there were tears threatening to spill from her eyes, Henry pulled her to his chest and kissed his hair. He uttered iloveyous until Alex finally calmed down.
Henry bought Alex orange cream helados when he told Raf over text, they sat with them in the backyard as the sun set and David stretched his legs for the last time before bed. Alex grinned and showed Henry the text she got back. Henry kissed Alex slowly, licking the sticky sweetness off his lips. [ Thank you for telling me, see you at pride 🏳️🌈]
On Monday, Alex rises early for a morning run. When he goes to the drawer with his sportswear, he sees the top June bought him. There’s no hesitation when he puts it on. In the bathroom mirror she turns back and forth seeing how her torso looks different with the built in bra. Her hair is long enough to warrant an alice band when he runs, although she may have started wearing them more casually when Henry mentioned how adorable he looked. He snaps a quick picture and sends it to June, she replies in minutes [ I told you so, looks so cute ].
The sun is out when Alex steps foot on the sidewalk, he stretches a little and gets his earphones in. He flicks through playlists but nothing is calling to her. Finding the right music for a run is a fine art that Alex has mastered. He remembers Percy sending a song the other day, and goes back to their messages. He presses play and starts on his route. The heat is tingling across her skin and the song is giving words to all the thoughts and feelings he’s had since October, or really years.
Who decides what's wrong, what's right?
Everything is balance, everything's light
I got so much on my mind, and I been awake all night
I'm so pumped, I'm so psyched
It's bigger than me, I'm getting so hyped, like
let me taste the lows and highs
Alex knows a run can’t solve everything. But this morning it feels like it is . He feels fresh and energised as he makes his way around his usual blocks. His chest feels different in the top, but she’s coming round to it. It feels like a possibility, a freedom.
Somewhere between the O's and ones
That's where I found my kingdom come
My heart beats like a drum
When he gets back to the brownstone, Henry is in their kitchen making his morning tea. Alex pauses before running to the shower to take in this wonderful sight. Henry’s hair is sticking up in multiple places and Alex wants to run her hands through it. He’s wearing an old Georgetown t-shirt of Alex’s and grey shorts which show off the perfect curve of his ass. Alex lets out a sigh before finally heading to the bathroom. Henry has a coffee ready for him at the breakfast bar, when he comes back downstairs, smelling of Henry’s posh shower gel. It’s been an emotional week, he deserves it, okay?
‘Oh, there’s a parcel for you darling.’
Henry goes to the lounge and comes back with a small stuffed envelope. He looks up at Henry with a furrowed brow.
‘Did you drunk order something online again?’
‘No. And it was one time and David made an adorable turkey!’
Alex scowls at Henry who has his hands on hips.
‘You’re still not forgiven…’
‘Just open your parcel, you menace.’ Henry drops a kiss on Alex's forehead and goes back to preparing breakfast. He’s got really into making his own granola and Alex is oddly proud of him.
When Alex thumbs open the parcel, he comes across a note first.
Hey Alex,
Your mom told me your news, thank you for being okay with me knowing. I’m so proud of you discovering every facet of yourself, and I feel honoured to get to know about it. I did a bit of research and there seems to be two pride flags for bigender folks so I found pins with them both. Love you kiddo,
Leo x
Alex empties the envelope to see the two now very familiar flags on golden pins. He bites his lip as he rubs a finger over one of the pins. Henry comes behind him and threads his arms around her waist. Alex holds up the note for Henry to read and shows him the pins. They smile at each other before Alex turns back and reads the note again and again. Henry is nuzzling at his ear, the warmth is almost overwhelming. He lets out a breathy laugh.
Alex is aware she’s at the precipice of something, it’s not going to be all unicorns and rainbows. But as he looks over the pins in his hands and feels the undeniable love of Henry around him, she’s ready for whatever could come. Powerful, elegant, soft, strong.
